Frustrated to the point that i'm in tears.
Frustrated to the point that i'm laughing.

Jesus, I need your grace.

and sometimes when I sit here, and even just look at a picture,
or think about the vastness of it
or stop to reminisce of memories
of thoughts of the future
of prayers
of how far he, and i and we have come

i am so overwhelmed by just how deeply I love him.
and the smile that spreads across my face is one of warmth, of comfort and of pure pure joy.

A little bit of warmth in the midst of a cold day. You chose me.

There is a certain frustration that comes along with being a university student. Such as the fact that it is the loneliest time of a person's life, pretty much ever. Given deadlines, books to read, the necessity to study, the hours of classes every week...the times where you are away from the thoughts and stresses of all of the above are few and far between. The hours locked up in a library, or at home, reading countless hours of books, reading over lines repeatedly and finding that you still have no idea what the last four paragraphs you read even said....Yep. It gets to be pretty lonely. I mean, don't me wrong, every day when I sit in class I think to myself how unbelievably privileged and blessed I am to be in the position that I am, and I know how much God can do with the knowledge that I'm being blessed with attaining..but again, man it gets lonely...

So today, I woke up, finished writing a letter, and plopped myself down on the couch to...Read... the remainder of a novel that I have been trying to read for a long time. It's about all the restraints on inter-national couples and the bureaucracy of the American immigration system. Due to my time in the Philippines, it's something I'm obviously very passionate about, so after 2 hours of readings my heart was beating pretty ferociously in my chest. I was getting so upset...because a) i was lonely b) I hate reading about the stereotypes of the Philippines and c) i'd been sitting in the same room for hours doing absolutely nothing but absorbing intense thoughts. I mean, don't get me wrong! I LOVE reading, and I find this book absolutely fascinating, but that long amount of time with no contact to anyone at all, is just sort of numbing. I had a good cry, a little break down and managed to get out my admission of "I need to be poured into! I'm running on empty!" and so got changed, left my house and put my iPod on, strolling down the autumn-filled streets. I took a deep breath of the cold air, and still felt so disconnected from God and what was going on in my heart. pSammy and I had a great heart to heart on the phone, I picked up the things I needed to get at Chapters, adn began my walk home. Then something in me clicked, and I turned my playlist to David Crowder... took a deep breath in, closed my eyes, and just stopped walking, stood there. The cold breeze on my face, the wind sailing past my earbuds, and the smell of the cold fall air, making the top of my nose red, and my throat chilled.

"You're Everything" came on, and I felt myself singing along, softly at first and then louder, walking slowly down the pavement. The words really hit me at that moment, "Because you're perfectly all I want, and all I need..if I could just feel your touch, could I be free?"

Jesus, you are perfectly everything I could ever want, and ever need! I hate that there are those moments where I am so blind to him with me, where I get so caught up in the stresses of this world that I don't listen close enough, or even at all, to his beckon call. And there, as I was walking home, He just reminded me of that...that even when I am so busy, and running on empty He is still there, even when I am so caught up in my thoughts, He is still there, desiring to bring me comfort. James 4...

"Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"--yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.
Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that."
As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil."

I am but a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes, and God still loves me endlessly! I am but a mist that appears for a little time, then vanishes, and yet I struggle with desiring the answers. Who am I to know the answers? Who am I to ask God why I don't have them? As I walked home, the thought of being a mist trailed through my head, and I thought of how much joy exists in being in God's will; in being in full submission to Him. Why do I worry when He always has control in my life? Why do I worry when He has fearfully and wonderfully made me, Why do I worry when he has a great plan for me?

I walked home, content, singing Doxology softly, and breathing in His creation. And I came home, to read my devotional which is as follows below. Lord, thank you for knowing how to pursue me, how to show me your love, and for always speaking to me in the exact way I need you to!...

*****

A Christian worker has to learn how to be God’s man or woman of great worth and excellence in the midst of a multitude of meager and worthless things. Never protest by saying, "If only I were somewhere else!" All of God’s people are ordinary people who have been made extraordinary by the purpose He has given them. Unless we have the right purpose intellectually in our minds and lovingly in our hearts, we will very quickly be diverted from being useful to God. We are not workers for God by choice. Many people deliberately choose to be workers, but they have no purpose of God’s almighty grace or His mighty Word in them. Paul’s whole heart, mind, and soul were consumed with the great purpose of what Jesus Christ came to do, and he never lost sight of that one thing. We must continually confront ourselves with one central fact— ". . . Jesus Christ and Him crucified" ( 1 Corinthians 2:2 ).

"I chose you . . ." ( John 15:16 ). Keep these words as a wonderful reminder in your theology. It is not that you have gotten God, but that He has gotten you. God is at work bending, breaking, molding, and doing exactly as He chooses. And why is He doing it? He is doing it for only one purpose— that He may be able to say, "This is My man, and this is My woman." We have to be in God’s hand so that He can place others on the Rock, Jesus Christ, just as He has placed us.

Never choose to be a worker, but once God has placed His call upon you, woe be to you if you "turn aside . . . to the right or the left . . ." ( Deuteronomy 28:14 ). He will do with you what He never did before His call came to you, and He will do with you what He is not doing with other people. Let Him have His way

This. Is. Love. Over-taking!

I have a father who loves me, who takes care of my every need, who always meets me where I am and loves me as I am. This weekend He provided for me so much love and so much everything that I tear up just thinking about it! (And Yeah, yeah yeah I know I cry a lot but still!)

My cat was mauled by a dog and had holes that went straight through her neck into her muscle tissue. It was badly infected and looked terrible...and a regular customer walked up to me at work, shoving a wad of cash into my jean pocket, telling me "Don't even try to say no. We love you." The amount of money was pretty much the exact dollar amount for her vet bill.

My endometriosis was terrible all week, to the point of being crippling on Friday. I laid in bed crying in pain, after I felt a cyst burst in my abdomen. Later that night Chris prayed for me that God would heal me, that he would take my pain away and bring me comfort and relief. I woke up the next day with no pain at all, well-rested and feeling healthy and renewed.

I have a mid-term tomorrow. I am not the slightest bit prepared for it, and due to a huge amount of stress have not even been able to focus on studying. I e-mailed my professor on Friday explaining that I needed some of the notes for some classes I missed, and explained all the recent situations in my life. He e-mailed me back with the kindest, most genuine e-mail, telling me that I of course can write the exam on Friday instead of Monday.

Due to other situations in my life right now my heart has been a bit of a mess, and I have been an emotional wreck since Wednesday. I've been crying on and off, felt so exhausted, and very alone. I've felt like every time I start to be emotional I try to harden myself, try not to feel the things that I am feeling, and try to distance myself.

This morning at church God surrounded me with old friends, with my amazing family, and I, with my strong face on explained very vaguely what was causing me to feel heavy. With one joke quipped by my lovely friend Brett, I broke though, and the strong facade fell down, leaving me crying hard, and emotions rising fast. Every person sitting around me laid hands on me, and began praying hard; praying that I wouldn't forsake who God has created me to be, that I would embrace that I feel things strongly, and know that He has created me that way for a purpose, that I would have his comfort and peace, and feel him all around me, and that I would know how loved I am. How little I have been taking care of myself lately! I try so hard to take care of all the people I love around me, and always fail at asking for the things that I need in my own life. Today though, God provided, knowing that I was too proud, too hurt, too shy, too embarrassed, whatever it was...to ask for prayer, and to receive the love that He had in store for me. So instead, he just made it happen. He surrounded me with people encouraging me, holding me, loving me, at church and throughout the rest of my day; reminding me that he has me tightly in His hands. That he has never let me go, that He has always been right there and continues to be right there. Dwight prayed over me that I would know that God feels and sees my every tear as well as my every smile. He isn't gone in those times, He is with me, holding me, hurting with me, and offering me His loving grace and comfort.

Sigh.

How blessed I have been this weekend. When the world pulls the rug out from under your feet God is always there to catch you. What a humbling thought, that we go about our lives, busying ourselves, burning ourselves out, ignoring his beckon call to be with Him, and then as we fall, He still catches us, still comforts us, with gentleness, love and mercy.

Seriously, How he loves us.

I offer up my hear to You, so keep me and hold me still.

I love when my God romances me.
I love when he lights up a fire in my heart, causing my feet to dance in the crunched up leaves, causing my eyes to light up with joy that creases a wrinkle from the corners of my eyes to my hair line.
I love that he knows my heart so well that He gives me moments that speak to my every thought, my every hurt, and my every joy.

I walked home tonight with his love so heavy on my mind, as the sun broke through the clouds in just the smallest amount, shining a dim yellow glow on the pavement. I could feel him smiling on me, could feel myself being filled up just walking home with him. The leaves crunched under my feet, and I found strings of lyrics singing out of my lips in no particular sequence. "Come Lord, like you promised...just like you said you would..." "All of my days, I'm walking home with you.."
Messes of the Word ran through my head, and I felt his comfort, love and joy breathed into my lungs.

I love the moments when he shows us that his every creation was made to praise him, and to be enjoyed by us, so that we in turn praise him and give him glory! The bark of the trees, so complex and detailed, the sun painted so perfectly and beautifully between the clouds, it's light and heat just breaking through, the clouds wisped and breathed onto a blue sky, the birds flitting up and down, just black silhouettes against a brilliant background.

I needed that moment so much today. In that moment he reminded me, in his pursuing me, why he's created my heart the way he has, and reminded me that only He really knows my heart. How else would he know the perfect way to bring me to tears with his beauty and love?
"You are fearfully and wonderfully made." I am who I am for His purposes, and for his purposes alone, and in that statement I am wonderfully made, to be his hands and feet, to declare his Love and mercy, and grace to everyone I meet in my every action and every word. I hurt for people, I am emotional, I way too easily love, and I have big dreams, and huge desires in my heart. And He is always faithful to all of those things.
So many times I beat myself up for who I am. I cry too easily, I hurt too easily, I feel too much, I feel too little, I cherish my time alone too much...but I am me, and I am His, and He is mine. and He has made me just as I am, to be me, to be the exact piece of the body He has called me to be.

and so in that, I am content, and pray that the joy he's filled my eyes and my heart with today would be contagious!!

• agency: is a person’s ability to make choices and act upon them, within the structural confines that simultaneously limit one’s choices.

this has never made more sense to me than it does right now.

i feel so heavy hearted.